Encounters from Bumble.

The following is based on true events. Names have been withheld to protect the identities of the innocent. Reader discretion is advised. (Jk this is actually deeply unserious 😅)

Photo by Good Faces Agency on Unsplash

Encounter 1.

W- Hey! You like books, I like books, seems we’re a match made in heaven. :)

B1- Hey! Haha you’re right. And cute. And also moderately witty. I like you. :)

W- Thanks! I try ;)

B1- (Obligatory spiel about what brings me to Bumble, how long have I been single, what am I looking for etc etc.)

W- (Obligatory due diligence making sure he’s not a fuckboy/wanted criminal/father of 3 and husband of more).

W- Great! So you seem normal and nice and unlikely to murder me and wear my skin as a dress. Want to meet up sometime?

B1- Sure! Do you want to come over to my place? ;) ( inserts suggestive innuendo)

W- ( Dodges innuendo). Haha maybe we could meet at ( insert public space) because you know, stranger danger? And also you’re a random man I met on the internet?

B1- But I’m a nice guy. You don’t need to worry nothing will happen we’ll just chill. (suggestive wink, devil emoji).

W- (Exasperated he’s not getting the hint but soldiering on). How about we go on a walk instead? I work pretty close to Jaffrey’s I can meet you after work.

B1- ( Totally ignores my suggestion). Actually my friend lives pretty close to your work, maybe we could meet at his house? ( suggestive wink, devil emoji).

W-( Increasingly concerned that I might fall victim to a ritualistic murder in this man’s house). Haha maybe we could do coffee instead?

B1- (Again totally missing the hint) I have coffee at my place…. ( suggestive wink)

W- Exits and deletes the app.

Encounter 2.

W- Hey! (Insert random statement showcasing my brand of cute self deprecating humour).

B2- (Enthusiastically responds with lots of follow up questions and witty banter.)

W- (Gets excited by witty banter and gets really into it.)

B2- (Matches energy bar for bar with impeccable grammar and he’s funny too?? Have the Bumble gods finally smiled on me??)

W- (Kicks legs in glee for striking Bumble gold and shares number to keep talking on WhatsApp. Also screenshots his profile pic and starts recording voice note to friend. “Giiiiiirl you’ll never guess what happened….”)

B2- (Promises to call tomorrow and logs off cause he has an early day.)

W- (Spends an hour on Pinterest planning our future small but tasteful wedding ceremony in Tigoni. Bali or Greece for the honeymoon? Zanzibar is also a vibe but it’s so bourgeoisie middle class urgh. Goes to bed with faith in men and the dating streets fully restored).

(Never hears from him again.)

Encounter 3.

W-( Sick of Bumble but even more sick of spending yet another Valentines alone so wearily redownloads the app. Swipes and matches with Boy 3)

B3- GRAND RISING! WHAT AN EXQUISITE NUBIAN PRINCESS. YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN! MY AFRICAN QUEEN! I WANT TO BATHE IN YOUR GLORY!

( For context Boy 3 white. Yes, that type of white).

W- (Kicks self for breaking dating rule #1 i.e. no milk folk and tries to make a hasty exit).

B3- I WANT VERY MUCH TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. I AM STAYING AT ( INSERT EXPENSIVE NAIROBI HOTEL) AND I CAN PAY!

W- ( Briefly contemplates prostitution because the economy really is in the toilet and he doesn’t seem THAT bad, right? Conscience and pan African spirit kicks in, cue exit left).

End of encounters

If you thought Nairobi dating streets were rough my sister lemme introduce you to the world of dating apps i.e. Bumble. The sphere where anonymity breeds bad manners and even worse grammar. Bumble is slightly better than the rest of the apps in that at least women are in the driver’s seat i.e. men can’t message first, which is helpful in filtering out who has access to you. And it also vastly reduces the probability of being assaulted by unsolicited dick pics and other disgusting online behaviors ( Tinder I’m looking at you).

My experience with Bumble so far has been a mixed bag as you can see from my encounters loool. ( Those are actual interactions believe it or not though embellished for artistic flavour of course). I’ve met all manner of people on that app ranging from the good, the bad and the frankly mentally unwell. I’ve also meet such interesting people e.g. the Indian guy who gave me some really intriguing insights into the BDSM community. He was interestingly enough a Sub in search of a Dom female partner and we had a great conversation about power dynamics in relationships that was really refreshing and eye opening. One that made me realize I am actually VERY vanilla. Yoh some of the things I heard..😅 I hope you’re doing well Raj. And you found your people.

I’ve also had some terrible experiences e.g. a guy who surprise video called me at work and when I hung up, kept calling incessantly and said it didn’t matter if I blocked him because he worked in tech and he would find me eventually. That was actually a terrifying encounter and I deleted Bumble for months afterwards. I’ve watched way too many true crime shows to not take his threat seriously. Luckily enough he never found me and fingers crossed he never will shindwe!

As someone who’s not outside enough to meet people in real life, online dating has been an easy way for me to meet people. And ever since I started treating dating like an anthropological experiment rather than the search for the one, I’ve actually had a blast on Bumble. Cause also this whole dating thing tbh is never that serious. What is dating really if not just hanging out with a bunch of interesting people with the hope that one of them will be interesting enough to keep? And with the endless possibilities online there are endless opportunities to have a laugh, engage in fun conversations and learn more about people and myself.

Seeing dating that way really helped me with the dating fatigue that I experienced as a veteran of these Nairobi dating streets. Because yoh these streets are DRAINING. ( My energy but not floodwaters smh). These days I’m less concerned about meeting my soulmate and more concerned with just learning more about the human condition. So I just keekee and haha with people, get shocked by people’s bad manners and empathize with the unhealed trauma we all seem to carry. It’s a great ‘ol time. And bonus points I get crazy stories to share with y’all lool.

I’m curious to hear what people’s experiences on Bumble are like. And other dating apps. Are you a joker like me just there for laughs or seriously single and searching? Lemme know in the comments. And as always, thanks for being here.

xx.